An anonymous poster in one of my comments is correct. This site used to be an open book, chalk full of things that I probably shouldn’t have been so forthright about. I had all but forgotten about how much I used to enjoy writing on this site until I saw the annual payment come out of my checking account for the hosting service. Though I haven’t hardly touched the site in years, I still consider it money well spent. I’ve had sabotaged.net since 1997 (I think) and can remember nearly all of the things I’ve done with it (partially because most of it is archived away on my hard drive).
I have a knack of holding on tightly to the few things that really matter to me - things I’ve invested in. I still own this site, my first car, a few projects from high school that I was proud of, and a relationship with a Tall Guy. As feelings have become more raw and exposed, though, I’ve become prone to spending time alone and keeping said feelings to myself. Although that may not have been the correct route to take, it is the only thing I can do to keep from getting hurt worse.
Ironically, I’ve done a lot of things in the recent past to keep myself from getting hurt … and those things have bit me in the ass. So, I figure it’s now time to come back out of the shadows, quit being such a loner, and lay it all out on the table.
I’m living alone right now, in a one bedroom apartment in Topeka. I shouldn’t necessarily say “alone” because I have Rocky. However, regardless of the excited wiggles and bouncy dog that greets me every time I walk in the door or roll off of the air mattress in the morning, I’m overwhelmed with sorrow when I realize that I don’t have the Tall Guy to come home to, wake up next to, or curl up with. With him in my life, I felt like I had purpose. My days were fulfilled because I could share them with someone. My future appeared bright and brimmed with things I looked forward to. And I constantly felt loved, wanted, and warm.
The way our relationship fell apart has been, without a doubt, the most emotional turmoil I have ever delt with. My weight dropped to 111lbs (which on a 5′10″ frame looks disgusting). I went two-three days at a time without sleeping. I’ve had pneumonia since Thanksgiving. And I’ve ended up on several of my friends’ door steps bawling numerous times. I have never felt like such a failure before. Not even when I was actually failing out of high school or giving up on various things. This relationship was something I have tried in earnest to hold in the highest honor, with the most energy, time, and thought I’ve ever invested into anything. And I ruined it.
Well, we both ruined it. And, we’ve acknowledged our faults and can hopefully repair them and us.
In the past few weeks, I’ve done less crying, more working, and have had to rediscover the things in my life that make me happy, without having him next to me. For a while, I thought I had lost all of the things about myself that were worth while. I could remember a time when I had things about me that I was proud of, but I couldn’t remember what they were. All I could see were the facets of my personality that I am ashamed of - lying, controlling, fearful, and an complete inability to have faith and trust.
It’s taken me a while to get my strength and confidence back. Though, they’re not in full force, or even up to par, they’re back. I know that the things I don’t like about myself can be fixed. I’ve improved so many things about myself since I was a teenager - there’s no reason to stop improving now. I’m not into all of the self-help crap, but I won’t skip an opportunity to make myself better … not just for me, but for the people I want to be the best for.
So, I’m working on myself now. And I’m sure that the rest will come later.
Last semester I aced my classes at school - retaining my 4.0 GPA. Monday, I enrolled into my classes for Spring 2009. I’m taking a full load of courses, including math, English, computers, and sociology. After the Fall semester I should be able to transfer all of my credits from this college and Palomar, in San Marcos, CA, to a local university in hopes of finishing my BA. I switched my major from Sociology to Business in an effort to make myself more well rounded. I have a goal of getting a Masters in Social Work and plan to obtain it.
I’ve continued busting my ass at work. In fact, I’ve immersed myself into work to help pass the time, take my mind off of the pain, and move up in the world. In December I received two raises and a promotion. I’m due to return to training soon to learn an additional skill set. I’m doing my best to make my days productive and network with the right people. This is one of the only places I’ve ever worked where I feel like I truly have the ability to go where I want to within the company. As of yesterday I have been working there for one year.
The American Red Cross of the Greater Topeka Area is allowing me to volunteer with them. This has been a slow process, as I attempted to start volunteering with them about a year ago. I had a lot of troubles getting my schedule to mesh with theirs and ended up giving up after a month and a half of phone tag. While a United Way campaign swept through my work, I made it a point to seek out and shake hands with the (new) volunteer director. She has made every effort to get me started with them.
As soon as they release their 2009 disaster relief training schedule, I should be able to start taking those classes. I don’t foresee myself being able to do any disaster relief on a national level, as I would have to be able to commit to three or more weeks of being away. I would like to be able to assist on the local level (Northeast Kansas). I’m both calm and rational in a disaster setting and am certified in first aid and CPR to adults, children and infants. So, I might as well put all of that to use. Plus, we’re always having floods, fires, tornados, etc. here. It seems like it would be best if I helped those that need it.
As far as pure pleasure goes, I’m waiting with anticipation for Spring to hit. I’m working right now to make myself a ton of maps for roads I need to ride on the bike. I have a ton of money now to spend on weekends traveling and new tires and chains. Over the past couple of years, I haven’t traveled nearly as much as I used to. And it’s time to fix that. I’m anxious to see all of the places I haven’t yet. And I plan on taking my camera with me to rekindle my love of picture taking.
All in all, I’ve grabbed back a hold of the things I love doing. I think being alone has allowed me to focus on that. After all, I have been investing so much of my time, effort, and money into others (something I’m happy about … I love taking care of others). But I do acknowledge that it’s caused me to forget about myself a little.
So, here’s to being Sidney Noble. Hopefully the end result of this whole awful experience will be a better me, back home, with the person I’m so deeply in love with.
 ”All the gods they cannot sever us - if I were dead and you still fighting for life, I’d come back from the darkness, back from the pit of hell to fight by your side.”
Midweek is my low point. Tuesday through Friday I come home every evening to an empty house. At night fall, I crawl into bed alone. Before sunrise, I wake up alone and drive into work by myself. Add in my normal winter blues, a lack of money to go out and enjoy myself, and now, a lack of cell phone (didn’t have the money to pay that bill) and I’m a sulky, miserable hermit. I always try to pep-talk myself on the way home from work to tinker with any number of things around the house that despirately need attention. But after about 15 minutes in my car, knowing that the next 14+ hours will be spent alone before I end up at work again, I lose all my motivation.
I have not yet found a cure for this. In years past, I’ve tried going tanning once every couple of days, in hopes that some artificial sun would give me some extra ‘umph. But, all it seemed to do was make me feel good for 8-10 minutes and lift $30/month out of my pocket.
I’m open to suggestions. Winter has definitely been the most difficult thing to adjust to for this California girl.
“When I go to bed, I need you to kiss AND hug me. Ok?”
I got called out on not hugging her before she snuggled her unicorn and slipped into Dream Land. She informed me about it like, perhaps, I just forgot. And this time, she’s going to gently let me know about my mistake. But, next time, I might have to put my nose in the corner for time out.
I suppose there’s worse things in life… like, car insurance payments, green peas, and famine. Having someone remind you that they need your hugs certainly makes the rest of it much easier to take in stride.
Never have I been into the whole idea of Karma. However, today’s events may change that.
The background information: Ever since I moved from California, I’ve had issues with my ID. When I moved to Kansas City, Missouri, the MO DMV screwed up my home address. This caused me to have to return to the DMV and pay for a new license. Not a major inconvenience, but inconvenient nonetheless.
When I moved to Kansas, I checked and double checked everything to the best of my ability to prevent the same thing from happening. However, when I received my first license in the mail, it did not include my “M” class endorsement (motorcycle), only my “C” class. I was unaware of this until I was riding a bright orange motorcycle down Kansas Ave in Topeka and got pulled over (Going 7mph over the speed limit … wearing a skimpy shirt, shorts, no helmet and flip-flops. True squid style. I think the cop just wanted to say hello.) He realized my license didn’t have the “M” endorsement and wouldn’t let me continue riding the bike (never did give me a warning or ticket).
I went back to the DMV once more and told them of the correction needed. My second KS card didn’t have me listed as an organ donator (Some might say that while riding without a helmet, I’m a perfect candidate for such.) My picture was so flattering on both IDs that I’ve never wanted to go back and contest it. I tend to just carry my CM license, as I have plenty of other documents and people to account for my intent to donate organs should I ever die.
Track back to early December of last year. I lost my CM license. I haven’t been too awful worried about it, because, well, it’s cold. I’m not out riding the bike, so this shouldn’t come into play for another couple of months. However, now that my job is going to make it difficult for me to get off of work, I’ve been dreading having to find a time to go back to the DMV to get another ID made up.
So, last night I swing by the Topeka & Shawnee County Public Library. As I stepped out of my car, I saw someone’s ID laying face down in a grassy median. I picked it up to find that it was some young girl’s license. When I got home, I wrote her a short letter and slipped ‘em into an envelope. Stamped it and shoved it into one of those blue boxes outside of the Post Office.
This afternoon, I gave Phil a call on my lunch break to talk to my tall drink of water. He starts off a little uncertain, telling me a stranger showed up at out front door. Guess what the stranger had? My ID. Said he found it on Main Street in our small town (near our Post Office).
Although I don’t know that it made me a true believer in Karma or a disbeliever in coincidence, it definitely put a smile on my face. I guess not every good deed goes unpunished.
Tomorrow is Terri’s birthday. If I’ve done my math correctly, she would have been 50. No clue what to think, which is ironic because I just can’t stop thinking about it. Don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. Ideally, there’d be someone close to talk to. But, no cigar.
Phil has that man law that simply does not allow me talk to him about things that he can’t fix. He just gets frustrated and unintentionally makes me feel bad (worse).
Alex, my little brother, absolutely will not talk about her, no matter the occasion. And really, the same goes for most everyone else in my family.
I don’t feel comfortable discussing it with Phil’s family or my friends here. There’s too much background for them to ask about. And over the years, I’ve become almost embarrassed by all of it. A stark difference from what I used to share with everyone, I guess.
It’d be much easier if my feelings were as clear as they used to be. But, I can’t help but to feel sad and broken up about all of it.
Thus far, 2008 has gone nicely, save for the single digit temperatures.
On the 7th, I began a new job. I’ll be in training on and off for the next several months. While I loved working at Stormont-Vail HealthCare, I was told in my last evaluation that if I received anymore training or responsibilities, I would have to be salaried… and that just wasn’t in their cards for me. That coupled with their refusal to reimburse tuition for anything besides a nursing/medical degree sent me packing. I’m still in the medical insurance/billing field, which is making the transition and training that much easier.
I should also mention that this new job provides better pay, better and more frequent raises, and a killer incentive program that translates to bonuses every quarter. My favorite part of it all has to be the fact that I’ll have every opportunity to move around in the company through their training programs and career paths.
I took a bit of a hit when it came to my benefits package and I anticipate it being difficult to schedule time off. But, I remain optimistic that it will all even out in the end.
About a week after I began my new job, I paid off my first and only loan early with my last paycheck from the hospital. This frees up a good chunk of change for paying off my only credit card. I could easily be debt-free toward the end of summer. What a nice feeling tat will be. I plan to contribute a little more to my 401(k), start putting money back into my savings account, and maybe replace my car in the next year or two. As self-disciplined as I am with money, I don’t foresee this being an issue unless I have an accident or my car completely dies on me (had to replace the tranny this past summer).
All in all, this year has started off far better than 2007 ended.
Friendships have always been hard for me and the recent past has been no exception. I’m quick to write people off; cut my losses, move on, better luck next time. Usually, I can’t look past someone’s fuck up. Or, I feel stress that I consider unnecessary and I start cringing at the thought of even talking to the person. So, snip, snip. The ties are cut.
Topeka (or, rather, the NE Kansas region) has proved to be a hard place to apply this method. It’s too small. I can’t go a few days without running into someone, bumping into their spouse, or in some odd circumstance that obligates me to interact with them or with their issues. This is incredibly frustrating to someone who is very accustom to large cities, where you can break a relationship and never have to worry about crossing paths with the other person. I long for things to be that cut and dry again.
Since moving here three years ago, I’ve tried running in a few different circles of friends. Each time, I was able to pick out a couple people here and there that I maintain good friendships with. The rest have either been a wash or trouble. I’ve analyzed my actions in each sour situation ad nauseam. Clearly, I am one of the common denominators in each case. There were times where I should have pulled the reigns in on my abrasive nature. However, I don’t know that it would have corrected the overall situations or just allowed them to continue on slightly longer.
I have yet to put my finger on what the issue is with this place. I encountered so many bad decisions, manipulation, and out-right lies. These things seem to fester here. Or, at least, in the majority of the people I’ve dealt with.
I’ve repeatedly come back to the idea of just running solo from here on out. The current group of people that I interact with the most are simply no good for me. I’ve tried my best to iron out my problems with them, for the sake of desperation in maintaining the peace with ‘em. But, it’s not worth it. With the way I’ve felt the past couple days (weeks … months), I can’t continue to justify being frustrated, nervous and disappointed with their actions. It’s not worth the anxiety it’s caused me.
I anticipate being awfully lonely this year. It’s a far better option than what I’ve been doing.
Seven days into 2008 and I’m doin’ alright. Friday marked the last day at my job with one of the local hospitals. It was a teary-eyed goodbye. I held up alright until I got into one of Janice & I’s talks and then later cried again as I gave my last hugs and strolled out of the door. It’s hard to not get attached to people when you spend more time with them than anyone in your circle of friends and family. I hope that I keep in touch with a handful of them. But, as many of you know, I’m pretty shitty about that sort of thing. It’s not intentional or personal; I just seem to lack the effort sometimes.
I’ve been bitter about my last job for quite some time. I worked in a tiny subsidiary of the hospital. I juggled medical claims and the phone lines. When I was hired, I told them I wanted to eventually do more than just type and talk. My supervisors were enthusiastic about my motivation and told me they’d train me on various things over the course of time. A year went by and my first annual evaluation came into play. I reiterated my want to grow professionally. They responded well, mentioned training me, and we shook hands on it.
Year number two came and went quickly. This past October, I brought up their past promise in my second evaluation. Finally, they told me the truth: if I got trained on anything more or assumed any more responsibility, they would have to salary me. That means more money. And it wasn’t going to happen.
So I started looking for employment elsewhere. I’m simply too young to be against a ceiling. Unless someone was going to die or retire, I would never get the chance to move up in that place. Not to mention that I was the youngest person by almost 20 years. Prior to that person joining the company, I was the youngest person by over 40 years. Nuts, huh?
After much anxiety, a few interviews, and a drug test, I received an offer for a full-time position for more pay and better benefits at a local insurance company. Today was Day One and while it didn’t go off without a hitch, it still isn’t worth complaining about. I’m pleased to get my foot in the door with this place and hopefully it’ll be something that I can turn into a career rather than an hourly, entry-level position.
Despite the cold, crappy weather and my frustrations with cabin fever, Zoe & I had a pretty decent weekend.
I frequently have a hard time with my patience when it comes to my step-kid. There are a lot of times when I want to do adult things or just have some “me” time and her time here can seriously impede that.
The three plus years that I’ve been in her life have been that of constant adjustment for all of us. She spends 50% of her time with us, 50% with her mom and 50% with her grandparents. Don’t ask me how that works out, but it seems that she’s in all three homes on a regular basis. This leads to a lot of behavioral fluctuations. All three households hold different sets of rules and she has different expectations from each set of guardians. To put it plainly, she usually cries when she gets dropped off at our house. And she’ll even tell ya, it’s because we make her do chores.Â
As someone who’s not her parent, it can sure make it hard. I see how much both of her parents get upset when she gets hurt and how hard it is for her mother to punish her (she says she “just doesn’t have it in her”). And I … I just don’t feel that way. I don’t feel like I have that “unconditional love” that both of her parents have. I can’t watch her do something totally retarded or rude and say how “cute” it was. When she does something that pisses me off, I want to put my foot square in her ass, just like any other bratty kid I see throwing a temper tantrum in a store because they’re not getting what they want.
More than not, I feel bad because I feel like I should be soft on her like her parents are. I feel like I should always see her in glowing light, like a little angel that can do no wrong. And, I just don’t. I’ve tried and I can’t seem to pull it off.
I’ve been in her life since before she could walk up stairs. I’ve helped teach her to talk, to dress herself, to tie her shoes, to jump off of the couch, to write her name. I miss her when she’s gone. I look forward to reading books with her, answering her endless questions, listening to her sing while she combs her hair, and tucking her in at night. I love how she makes Phil smile and how she lights up her Grandparents’ faces.
This weekend was great (aside from one kicking ‘n’ screaming fit over a friend having to go home for dinner). We cooked, attacked Phil with snow balls, shared a mug of hot cocoa, worked on Christmas cards, listened to music, hung out with good friends, ran errands, and talked about everything under the sun.
The bottom line is: I love her. Even if not in a perfectly mother-daughter sort of way. She’s changed my life for the better … and I hope I’ve done the same for her.
