Mother’s Day Isn’t For Me
A few weeks ago, Mother’s Day came and went, and it wasn’t without tears as usual.
Normally those tears are over my own mother. Not because I miss her, but because it’s just a reminder that I don’t have a mother to honor. I always send special cards to my Grandmothers and even called Phil’s Grandmother to wish her happy mother’s day. But I still feel like I’m lacking.
This year, the tears were also for my relationship with Zoe. We were up late the night before at our friends’ house. She got to stay up late and play with kids her age, while us adults were hanging out in the Man Garage playing games and acting goofy. Sunday morning rolled around and she was zonked out. The kind of sleep where her mouth is wide open, drool oozing from the corner of her lips, and she doesn’t move an inch when you softly say her name and rub her arm in an attempt to wake her. Originally, I had hoped to make pancakes and eat breakfast with her. But, due to her deep sleep, I let her go until she had a half hour to get up and around before her mother picked her up.
Per the Kansas Child Support Guidelines, if other arrangements cannot be agreed upon, the mother is to get her from 9am to 7pm. Everyone else in her life is ignored, despite the role they may play. So, I silently played by the books, woke her up, fed her, and clothed her before there was a rapping on the door at 9am. I got a big hug and kiss and she was gone.
I went about my day, looking forward to making a nice dinner and sharing about two hours with her before she was to hit the sack again, as the following day was designated for school. About 6:50pm, Phil’s phone rings and it’s Zoe calling from her mom’s phone wanting to know if she can just stay the night. I try to tell Phil in the background that she needs to come home so that we can spend some time with her. Eventually her mother gets on the line and they argue before Phil agrees to let Zoe stay because that’s what she wants.
The frustrating thing about this is that her mother wins her over with cheap junk food and video games. Tales from the child indicate on all levels that all she does while she is there is consume hot dogs and play Wii. In the unlikely event that she’s not doing one of those two things, her mother is buying her various material items of no value or dropping her off at Grandma and Grandpa’s, where she also does little to nothing but sit in front of the TV.
It is no wonder Zoe would rather be there, than at our home. Here, she eats vegetables, goes entire days without the boob tube on and interacts with others. She is given tools of creation like chalk, water colors, legos and blank drawing paper. None of these things are visually stimulating or mind-rotting as endless episodes of Hannah Montana or the mountain of children’s DVDs that she has that dwarf our small collection of DVDs. They just don’t compare.
When asked if Zoe had eaten dinner, her mother replied, “Yeah, she had a Lunchable.” Way to go, mom. I guess she’s getting some variety from the usual hot dogs and Mac & Cheese.
It didn’t seem that at any point she had considered that we wanted Zoe home for the evening. Nor did she seem to think that maybe I’d like to see her on Mother’s day. Perhaps she forgets that when I entered Zoe’s life, five years ago, she couldn’t walk up the stairs without gripping someone’s hand. That I’ve spent countless hours putting small clips and crazy pony tails in her hair. That I’ve snuggled with her on the couch and rubbed her back during coughing fits, puking binges, and various bumps and scrapes. I’ve spent five years dealing with temper tantrums, the ailment of childhood fears, and the neediness of a toddler. Or that I’ve been one of the last things she sees before falling asleep when she’s here, because I lay down and read Curious George, Skippy John Jones and Walter the Farting Dog to her.
Or, worse: Her mother considered all of these things and still didn’t see any reason to bring Zoe back to our house on Mother’s Day, but instead let her play Wii Mario and barely interacted with her before sending her to bed.
Either way, I ended up in tears. I don’t feel like I ask for much in the mother-daughter field. I know she’s not mine. But I was really looking forward to that one dinner.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 27th, 2009 at 10:58 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
9:24 pm on May 28th, 2009
I love your meaningful posts and am so glad they’re back. I recommend celebrating Mother’s Day on another day. Unfortunately it is a pretty common practice these days with so many mixed families, and it kinda sucks but it’s better than not having a holiday with the kid at all. Even if it strikes you as selfish and inconsiderate, she is Zoe’s biological mom and probably really doesn’t consider you a second mother to Zoe, even though you obviously are. If the shoes were switched and your daughter was with your ex and his wife/girlfriend on Mother’s Day, you’d probably feel more entitled to her too. Next holiday that rolls around, cook up your nice dinner or whatever special thing you want to do on some other day than the actual holiday and let Zoe know you’re celebrating again — together. I have to do this with my parents and my in-laws, and as much as I secretly DESPISE having three or sometimes four Christmases, I can’t see another solution as painless as this one.
And think how lucky you are to have “custody” of your “daughter” and how much better she is off (whether she knows it now or not) to have a CARING mother spend so much time with her
9:14 am on May 31st, 2009
I don’t disagree on the sense of entitlement. She is, after all, the one that carried her for nine months. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I was on the other side of this. I’d like to think that I would at least give the other woman a sense of acknowledgement, as I feel that I’m much more “aware” of these things than her mother typically is. But who knows?
Friday I ended up getting her for a few hours after work & school. We ate dinner and played at the park up until our time was up. It was a blast!