Sabotaged.net

Archive for January, 2009

MAT020

Yesterday marked the first day of classes for my Spring of 2009 semester and my mind is already blown. After running around both Shawnee and Osage counties like a maniac, I rolled into classes about five minutes early and grabbed a seat three rows back. After the usual round of introductions, we started into the lesson.

Now, let’s back up. Here’s more of the “putting it all out on the table” jazz. I’m, embarassingly, way below college level algebra. I tested into an Elementry Algebra class. I will have to complete both it and an Intermediate Algebra class before I can even get into the college level class. This is all my own fault, as I failed and cheated my way through math in high school. After years of putting it off, I’m now paying for it. But there are about 17 other people in my class, so at least I’m not alone.

Thankfully, the professor decided it would be who of him to quickly cover some of the basics; he defined things like “quoefficient” and explained simple things like “rational numbers vs. irrational numbers.” It was nice to have a refresher on things I haven’t seen, read, spoke of, or used since 1998.

Then he dropped the bomb. We were subtracting mixed fractions with two different denominators. And he told us you never subtract in  math.

What? Never? Not even when you’re cornered? He just destroyed everything that was taught to me K-12. Every math teacher I’ve had taught addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. No one has ever told me that this subtraction business was all a lie. This is like strange sorcery that I’m only to learn in a no-name college in Nowhere, KS with 17 other people too stupid to test into a class that actually counts toward your degree.

I’m happy to report, however, that  I at least understand his reasoning about only ever adding a negative number. It makes sense. I can handle that concept. But this is an interesting sign of things to come, I believe. I’m anxious to see what I continue to learn in this class.

A Re-introduction

An anonymous poster in one of my comments is correct. This site used to be an open book, chalk full of things that I probably shouldn’t have been so forthright about. I had all but forgotten about how much I used to enjoy writing on this site until I saw the annual payment come out of my checking account for the hosting service. Though I haven’t hardly touched the site in years, I still consider it money well spent. I’ve had sabotaged.net since 1997 (I think) and can remember nearly all of the things I’ve done with it (partially because most of it is archived away on my hard drive).

I have a knack of holding on tightly to the few things that really matter to me - things I’ve invested in. I still own this site, my first car, a few projects from high school that I was proud of, and a relationship with a Tall Guy. As feelings have become more raw and exposed, though, I’ve become prone to spending time alone and keeping said feelings to myself. Although that may not have been the correct route to take, it is the only thing I can do to keep from getting hurt worse.

Ironically, I’ve done a lot of things in the recent past to keep myself from getting hurt … and those things have bit me in the ass. So, I figure it’s now time to come back out of the shadows, quit being such a loner, and lay it all out on the table.

I’m living alone right now, in a one bedroom apartment in Topeka. I shouldn’t necessarily say “alone” because I have Rocky. However, regardless of the excited wiggles and bouncy dog that greets me every time I walk in the door or roll off of the air mattress in the morning, I’m overwhelmed with sorrow when I realize that I don’t have the Tall Guy to come home to, wake up next to, or curl up with. With him in my life, I felt like I had purpose. My days were fulfilled because I could share them with someone. My future appeared bright and brimmed with things I looked forward to. And I constantly felt loved, wanted, and warm.

The way our relationship fell apart has been, without a doubt, the most emotional turmoil I have ever delt with. My weight dropped to 111lbs (which on a 5′10″ frame looks disgusting). I went two-three days at a time without sleeping. I’ve had pneumonia since Thanksgiving. And I’ve ended up on several of my friends’ door steps bawling numerous times. I have never felt like such a failure before. Not even when I was actually failing out of high school or giving up on various things. This relationship was something I have tried in earnest to hold in the highest honor, with the most energy, time, and thought I’ve ever invested into anything. And I ruined it.

Well, we both ruined it. And, we’ve acknowledged our faults and can hopefully repair them and us.

In the past few weeks, I’ve done less crying, more working, and have had to rediscover the things in my life that make me happy, without having him next to me. For a while, I thought I had lost all of the things about myself that were worth while. I could remember a time when I had things about me that I was proud of, but I couldn’t remember what they were. All I could see were the facets of my personality that I am ashamed of - lying, controlling, fearful, and an complete inability to have faith and trust.

It’s taken me a while to get my strength and confidence back. Though, they’re not in full force, or even up to par, they’re back. I know that the things I don’t like about myself can be fixed. I’ve improved so many things about myself since I was a teenager - there’s no reason to stop improving now. I’m not into all of the self-help crap, but I won’t skip an opportunity to make myself better … not just for me, but for the people I want to be the best for.

So, I’m working on myself now. And I’m sure that the rest will come later.

Last semester I aced my classes at school - retaining my 4.0 GPA. Monday, I enrolled into my classes for Spring 2009. I’m taking a full load of courses, including math, English, computers, and sociology. After the Fall semester I should be able to transfer all of my credits from this college and Palomar, in San Marcos, CA, to a local university in hopes of finishing my BA. I switched my major from Sociology to Business in an effort to make myself more well rounded. I have a goal of getting a Masters in Social Work and plan to obtain it.

I’ve continued busting my ass at work. In fact, I’ve immersed myself into work to help pass the time, take my mind off of the pain, and move up in the world. In December I received two raises and a promotion. I’m due to return to training soon to learn an additional skill set. I’m doing my best to make my days productive and network with the right people. This is one of the only places I’ve ever worked where I feel like I truly have the ability to go where I want to within the company. As of yesterday I have been working there for one year.

The American Red Cross of the Greater Topeka Area is allowing me to volunteer with them. This has been a slow process, as I attempted to start volunteering with them about a year ago. I had a lot of troubles getting my schedule to mesh with theirs and ended up giving up after a month and a half of phone tag. While a United Way campaign swept through my work, I made it a point to seek out and shake hands with the (new) volunteer director. She has made every effort to get me started with them.

As soon as they release their 2009 disaster relief training schedule, I should be able to start taking those classes. I don’t foresee myself being able to do any disaster relief on a national level, as I would have to be able to commit to three or more weeks of being away. I would like to be able to assist on the local level (Northeast Kansas). I’m both calm and rational in a disaster setting and am certified in first aid and CPR to adults, children and infants. So, I might as well put all of that to use. Plus, we’re always having floods, fires, tornados, etc. here. It seems like it would be best if I helped those that need it.

As far as pure pleasure goes, I’m waiting with anticipation for Spring to hit. I’m working right now to make myself a ton of maps for roads I need to ride on the bike. I have a ton of money now to spend on weekends traveling and new tires and chains. Over the past couple of years, I haven’t traveled nearly as much as I used to. And it’s time to fix that. I’m anxious to see all of the places I haven’t yet. And I plan on taking my camera with me to rekindle my love of picture taking.

All in all, I’ve grabbed back a hold of the things I love doing. I think being alone has allowed me to focus on that. After all, I have been investing so much of my time, effort, and money into others (something I’m happy about … I love taking care of others). But I do acknowledge that it’s caused me to forget about myself a little.

So, here’s to being Sidney Noble. Hopefully the end result of this whole awful experience will be a better me, back home, with the person I’m so deeply in love with.