Sabotaged.net

Archive for January, 2008

Happy Birthday Mom

Tomorrow is Terri’s birthday. If I’ve done my math correctly, she would have been 50. No clue what to think, which is ironic because I just can’t stop thinking about it. Don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. Ideally, there’d be someone close to talk to. But, no cigar.

Phil has that man law that simply does not allow me talk to him about things that he can’t fix. He just gets frustrated and unintentionally makes me feel bad (worse).

Alex, my little brother, absolutely will not talk about her, no matter the occasion. And really, the same goes for most everyone else in my family.

I don’t feel comfortable discussing it with Phil’s family or my friends here. There’s too much background for them to ask about. And over the years, I’ve become almost embarrassed by all of it. A stark difference from what I used to share with everyone, I guess.

It’d be much easier if my feelings were as clear as they used to be. But, I can’t help but to feel sad and broken up about all of it.

Kicking it off on a good note

Thus far, 2008 has gone nicely, save for the single digit temperatures.

On the 7th, I began a new job. I’ll be in training on and off for the next several months. While I loved working at Stormont-Vail HealthCare, I was told in my last evaluation that if I received anymore training or responsibilities, I would have to be salaried… and that just wasn’t in their cards for me. That coupled with their refusal to reimburse tuition for anything besides a nursing/medical degree sent me packing. I’m still in the medical insurance/billing field, which is making the transition and training that much easier.

I should also mention that this new job provides better pay, better and more frequent raises, and a killer incentive program that translates to bonuses every quarter. My favorite part of it all has to be the fact that I’ll have every opportunity to move around in the company through their training programs and career paths.

I took a bit of a hit when it came to my benefits package and I anticipate it being difficult to schedule time off. But, I remain optimistic that it will all even out in the end.

About a week after I began my new job, I paid off my first and only loan early with my last paycheck from the hospital. This frees up a good chunk of change for paying off my only credit card. I could easily be debt-free toward the end of summer. What a nice feeling tat will be. I plan to contribute a little more to my 401(k), start putting money back into my savings account, and maybe replace my car in the next year or two. As self-disciplined as I am with money, I don’t foresee this being an issue unless I have an accident or my car completely dies on me (had to replace the tranny this past summer).

All in all, this year has started off far better than 2007 ended.

Lone Wolf

Friendships have always been hard for me and the recent past has been no exception. I’m quick to write people off; cut my losses, move on, better luck next time. Usually,  I can’t look past someone’s fuck up. Or, I feel stress that I consider unnecessary and I start cringing at the thought of even talking to the person. So, snip, snip. The ties are cut.

Topeka (or, rather, the NE Kansas region) has proved to be a hard place to apply this method. It’s too small. I can’t go a few days without running into someone, bumping into their spouse, or in some odd circumstance that obligates me to interact with them or with their issues. This is incredibly frustrating to someone who is very accustom to large cities, where you can break a relationship and never have to worry about crossing paths with the other person. I long for things to be that cut and dry again.

Since moving here three years ago, I’ve tried running in a few different circles of friends. Each time, I was able to pick out a couple people here and there that I maintain good friendships with. The rest have either been a wash or trouble. I’ve analyzed my actions in each sour situation ad nauseam. Clearly, I am one of the common denominators in each case. There were times where I should have pulled the reigns in on my abrasive nature. However, I don’t know that it would have corrected the overall situations or just allowed them to continue on slightly longer.

I have yet to put my finger on what the issue is with this place. I encountered so many bad decisions, manipulation, and out-right lies. These things seem to fester here. Or, at least, in the majority of the people I’ve dealt with.

I’ve repeatedly come back to the idea of just running solo from here on out. The current group of people that I interact with the most are simply no good for me. I’ve tried my best to iron out my problems with them, for the sake of desperation in maintaining the peace with ‘em. But, it’s not worth it. With the way I’ve felt the past couple days (weeks … months), I can’t continue to justify being frustrated, nervous and disappointed with their actions. It’s not worth the anxiety it’s caused me.

I anticipate being awfully lonely this year. It’s a far better option than what I’ve been doing.

New Year, New Job, New Motivation

Seven days into 2008 and I’m doin’ alright. Friday marked the last day at my job with one of the local hospitals. It was a teary-eyed goodbye. I held up alright until I got into one of Janice & I’s talks and then later cried again as I gave my last hugs and strolled out of the door. It’s hard to not get attached to people when you spend more time with them than anyone in your circle of friends and family. I hope that I keep in touch with a handful of them. But, as many of you know, I’m pretty shitty about that sort of thing. It’s not intentional or personal; I just seem to lack the effort sometimes.

I’ve been bitter about my last job for quite some time. I worked in a tiny subsidiary of the hospital. I juggled medical claims and the phone lines. When I was hired, I told them I wanted to eventually do more than just type and talk. My supervisors were enthusiastic about my motivation and told me they’d train me on various things over the course of time. A year went by and my first annual evaluation came into play. I reiterated my want to grow professionally. They responded well, mentioned training me, and we shook hands on it.

Year number two came and went quickly. This past October, I brought up their past promise in my second evaluation. Finally, they told me the truth: if I got trained on anything more or assumed any more responsibility, they would have to salary me. That means more money. And it wasn’t going to happen.

So I started looking for employment elsewhere. I’m simply too young to be against a ceiling. Unless someone was going to die or retire, I would never get the chance to move up in that place. Not to mention that I was the youngest person by almost 20 years. Prior to that person joining the company, I was the youngest person by over 40 years. Nuts, huh?

After much anxiety, a few interviews, and a drug test, I received an offer for a full-time position for more pay and better benefits at a local insurance company. Today was Day One and while it didn’t go off without a hitch, it still isn’t worth complaining about. I’m pleased to get my foot in the door with this place and hopefully it’ll be something that I can turn into a career rather than an hourly, entry-level position.