Sabotaged.net

Archive for July, 2007

July 31st

There was a time at which I said I was going to frame Terri’s death certificate and hang it on the wall for all to see. Like a life time’s work of art. All of her achievements tacked into a $4 diploma frame leftover at the neighborhood drug store. All of it displayed in the living room, where people could read over the cause of death, time of death, and place of death.

Ever since I received the corrected version of it from San Bernadino County, it’s been tucked away in my file cabinet along with check stubs, medical records, and account information print-outs. Every time I stumble upon it while searching for other paperwork, I can’t help but take it out and read over it again. Without fail, my heart sinks, my mood is tarnished, and I end up reluctantly placing it back in its folder.

I’m still holding onto my hardass perspective about her. I’m glad she’s dead and gone. But, as time as softened my edges, I can’t help but feel sad about her entire position in my life.

I imagine that tonight, much like last night, I will crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep about it. I don’t know what specifically I was crying about last night. I can picture her face clearly, snaggle tooth and all. Her voice replicates in my head effortlessly. My memories of her are harsh and forbidding. The idea of never having a Mom torments me. And, in some way, I suppose I just add it to the list of other things I won’t ever get to experience.

 

So, here’s to you Terri: The fourth anniversary of your death. I’m probably the only one that even remembers.