Sabotaged.net

Archive for February, 2007

All the pretty colors

This is best described with a awe-struck hanging jaw and bejewled eyes.

Progress

In an effort to feel accomplished, I have a handful of things I’m working on, hoping they will turn out well.

 - Some time ago I was accepted to Washburn University based on my 4.0 GPA from Palomar College. However, I was unable to enroll into classes because I’ve never taken the SATs or ACTs. With this, I’ve put off taking them for a year and some change due to a variety of misplaced self-concious reasons. January rolled my way and I swallowed my shame. Took the SATs.

Scores are now out and the shame is back. God forbid anyone but the college admissions office and I should see those scores, I would get into the Focus and drive clear out of the state. I’d drive ’til I could find a place where I could celebrate a life of blue collar eight-dollars-an-hour work. Or, maybe ten dollars an hour at a fancy strip club, where I’d change my name to Holly and be known only for the way my hips move.

I keep telling myself that this will hopefully get me a step closer to a lecture hall where I can start earning more credits toward my first degree.

- I’m trying to pick up a second job to fill my evenings with (preferably one where I don’t need to take up a stage name and perform for strangers). The temp agency I used to get my current position has a lead on some clerical work. I’m hoping that something will turn out as my debts are only disappearing slowly and my pockets are constantly empty.

The other odds and ends consist of motorcycle work, an expansion of my cooking abilities, reading my library books daily, working out, and upholding my end of friendships. Every little bit of progress on all of these things helps me maintain confidence through all of the criticism, nitpicking, and lack of support from all sides (my own included).

Snoozin’

We kicked the weekend off just right.

 

How can I even explain this

Recently I feel as though I’ve going through my day-to-day life in a complete state of wonderment. Nothing seems real or concrete or fathomable. The constant ebb and flow of shame and pride, confidence and second guessing, and frustration and contentment leaves me feeling very lost.

Some days I’ve felt like the Super Hero Sidney Noble that my buddy Brett knows me as - full of know-how, sociable, fun, and sweet. I kick ass at work, speedball my way home anxious and excited to continue being, and create/fix/shape up all of the things I’m surrounded by. I’m Sidney Ann and my Wonder Woman-esque outfit looks awesome.

Other days, I come home feeling tarnished and discarded, confused by uncertainty and unable to tuck away all of the hurt. Those days, I just take advantage of the winter’s snow and hibernate. Pull the covers up over me and pour myself into a book that’ll make my problems seem trivial. Eventually my bedside clock will remind me that I only have so many hours to sleep before it sounds. And I give in, doing what I can to reassure myself that all of the tears and shaky thoughts are worth it.

But, really, it’s that uncertainty - that doubt - that does me in. I remember feeling steadfast, knowing that all of my reasons were soaked with conviction. And that I was, 100% FOR SURE, doing everything right. My feet were planted and that was it.

Now I’m just cycling ’til things are more clear.

More decline for Topeka’s economy

Way to support your hometown, Payless.

A little something to lighten my day-to-day happenings

 

 

Sweet Child of Mine

For the past several years, I’ve have gotten to read each of these. And I can only think of one instance where I didn’t end up in tears.

To have a love like that for someone is mind blowing to me. There are fleeting moments when I feel similar to that with Zoe. But they’re definitely not as poignant as what Heather’s words signify. Suffice it to say, I can’t help but feel jealous.

Travel bug

The whole year seems just ahead of me, teasingly planning itself out. Regardless of all of the bullshit that goes on, I’m very much looking forward to all of the things penciled into my calendar.

This year will hopefully yield more traveling than the past several have. While I lived in California, I had the ability to go to LA, the desert, the beach, Arizona, etc. Here, my choices are far more limited when the closest areas are Oklahoma, Nebraska, and Missouri. While they’re all interesting in their own ways, they don’t garnish the same excitement from me as the aforementioned California-esque locations. There’s nothing particularly enticing about Iowa or South Dakota.

This year, I’m definitely making more of an effort to go out and explore. While it’s wasn’t ideal, I really enjoyed my trip to and from Fort Dodge, Iowa this past September. And the time I spent traveling through Southern Oklahoma was well worth it. But, in both cases, I didn’t have the time to get off of the super slabs of I-35 to explore the surrounding areas (which SUCKED because a lot of the exit signs had me curious).

There are a handful of places even here, in Northeast Kansas, that I have yet to see. A lot of them would make for nice mid-day trips just to run out somewhere, catch a bite to eat at a local mom’n'pop shop, and take the scenic route back. I really love doing that sort of stuff, and just haven’t since I left Kansas City. I’ve partially felt pressure not to, by Phil. And the rest of it has been due to a lack of funds. I think, I’ll try to bypass that second problem by not running around to the same ol’ boring local joints so much and save the money for a bi-monthly slightly-out-of-the-way trip.

Beyond that, I’m going to try to accompany Phil to most of his races this season. Nebraska, Oklahoma, Wisconsin (which is a BIG event), Iowa, etc. My goal is to make the trips on my bike, instead of being confined to his god awful toy haulin’ van for hours on end. It’ll give me the opportunity to maybe break away for a few hours to ride around some of the local spots while we’re out and about.

I’m also halfway planning a run out to Colorado. I would like to take a 3-4 day weekend to ride out there, play around in the mountains (both on the bike and to do some hiking), visit the family I have out there, and head back. I’m uncertain as to when this is going to happen. I’d like for Phil to join me, but I don’t know if it’ll be feasible because of his time constraints. If I have to go it alone, I’ll be alright with that.

With any luck, I’m going to be far more prepared for these trips than I was for my Memorial Weekend 2006 Whirlwind Texas Tour. The experience was frustrating, but invaluable. It taught me a ton about long distance motorcycle riding. I’m hoping to fix a handful of things on my bike between now and then, and to modify my future plans to correct the mistakes I made last year.

My sister-in-law threw me a wildcard tonight, inviting me on a trip that her and some of her old college friends are taking. At this point, they don’t know where they’re going, but they’ve mentioned San Diego. If that ends up being their destination, I’ll probably try to join them for the sake of seeing my brother and some other familiar faces. They’re thinking June … we’ll see.

One of the biggest roadblocks I’m going to hit will be money. I’m applying to a few part time jobs right now, in hopes of generating some extra funds (or paying off something that currently runs me a pretty penny every month). It’ll be nice to work a little extra while it’s still frigid outside. I think it’ll alleviate my financial situation a tad, and it’ll keep me busy (which does wonders for me emotionally).

I have been clensed

It seems that I will always have my own home colonics kit. All I need is an impending feeling of doom, worry, and no one to go to.

 

The only side effect is the nose bleeds that come along with it.

Failure to write

Why is it that I keep myself up night after night with a barrage of thoughts but that every time I sit down with intentions to write, I come up empty handed? Perhaps there’s some hidden pressure about putting my thoughts out there these days. Or, maybe I’ve just been too cooped up lately - stuck inside, while the snow is outside. I’m sure most of it just comes down to a complete lack of motivation. The benefits of telling anyone how I feel just don’t exist anymore. It’s not that I don’t receive good advice. I do. (And Janie, I owe you an email. Honestly, I’ve just been avoiding it.) But I’ve become increasingly aware that my problems are not solved or even eased by writing/talking about them. The only fix is change, and my options haven’t tickled my fancy lately.

The most prominent option is to cut my losses and move away. Give up the things I’ve worked to have (home, relationship, steady place of employment, etc.) and leave in hopes of finding something that may better suit me. I’ve been convinced for two years that what I have here is what’s best for me. But after an agonizing January, I find that I may be wrong. The future of the relationship seems dim when all that echoes in my head at night is, “I just don’t see us growing old together.” Beyond that, I’m unhappy in Kansas. But that shouldn’t be much of a surprise, especially to anyone that’s been in Kansas. Although my job is steady, I am completely disinterested in it and becoming increasingly frustrated with it. I have no family nearby (and, even if I did, they still probably wouldn’t make any effort to see me). Good friendships are scarce and the pickin’s are slim (just based on population density alone). And I can’t quite shake the feeling that I’ve only molded my life to fit Phil’s, instead of building one of my own.

For simplicity’s sake, here’s what I have:

Unknowns:

• I don’t know that I’ll ever find a place that I truly love to live in. I’ve tried quite a few and have struck out so far.
• I don’t know that I’ll ever find the opportunities I have here somewhere else.
• I don’t know that my presence here is what’s right for Phil. Though he says he wants me here, I think a lot of it is just because he doesn’t want to be alone. And I can’t blame him.
• I don’t know that I’ll ever get over Phil. I foresee myself always making comparisons to him, and others not living up to what I now expect in someone I want to be with. I will end up being the lonely cat lady … with no cats.

Knowns:

• I’m willing to put myself through quite a bit to make the relationship work. I can hack it. And I feel awfully strong about that.
• I feel better about my life and my integrity right now than I ever have.
• I have someone I am absolutely head-over-heels in love with.
• I have a steady job that is definitely smoothing out all of the hops, skips, and jumps that currently haunt my resume.
• I have been accepted to Washburn University and really want to back into school.

In the end, I have all of the things that should make me happy. But, in addition to those, I have hang ups and doubts about maintaining them. With all that has gone on and everything that has been said in brutal honesty, I have lost a lot of confidence in my decisions to stay. At the same time, I feel that if I leave, I am destined to be nomadic, alone, and unfulfilled.

For the time being, I am doing what I need to make myself happy, the relationship work, and to brace myself in the event that the relationship ends. The very least I can do is get my finances as healthy as possible and to keep my wits about me in regards to what my options are.