Sabotaged.net

Archive for January, 2007

You should’ve listened to me, baby

Evening rolled around. Work let out. The sun fell below the horizon. I ran a few errands before I found myself winding my way up to my not-so-sister-in-law’s house. For the following hours, I was her destraction from the depressing onslaught of marital misery. We talked of the Amber Alert that had just hit the air waves, the book I just started reading, and her vocal talent.

About once a week, I swing by her place for a few hours for some general girl bonding. I like to think that it helps keep both of us sane; a welcomed interruption of monotonous daily activities. And weekly, I try to keep up with her daughter, Summer, as she makes leaps and bounds in learning. Just last week, she could count to four. This week, she has reached ten (but is not giving eleven any serious consideration). We sit and read through her books - her favorite being the one of young farm animals. I’m betting that next week she will have finally mastered every single animal’s name and the sound they make. There are only three holding her up: the chicks and ducklings get mixed up (they’re both small, yellow birds! c’mon!) and that damned guinea pig. Is it a hampster? A bunny? And just what exactly does a guinea pig sound like? Don’t even get me started on its spelling…

Last week yielded a big surprise. She had learned something new and facsinating. Ashley and her mother, JK, pulled out some girly magazine that featured a large spread on the recently released movie Alpha Dog. In it was a drool-incuding picture of the very handsome Justin Timberlake (the link does not lead to the picture in question, but it’s close enough). Mama Ashley pointed at said picture asked Summer, “What is this?”

“Icanny”

Baffled, I strained my ears, wondering if she said what I thought she said. Could it be? Have they really taught this sweet, innocent, uncorrupted child such things? Ashley giggled, looked at me, and asked Summer again, “What is this?”
“Eye candy.”

Though I often brag to people that my baby niece frequently turns down others to snuggle and hug on her lovely Aunt Sid, or about how she’ll pick me out of a sea of people to sit with, or about how she’ll push past rows of immediate family members trying to snatch her up for a mere hug just to end up at my feet with big eyes asking, “Up?” … I’ve never felt as close to my SummerBear as I did right then.

T-t-t-twitter

“Stuck in traffic on Pennsylvania Ave and guess who pulls up next to me. Colin in his Avalanche! AWKWARD! ” - Condoleezza Rice

Distractions

In an effort to keep my mind occupied, I’ve been doing the following:

- Finding old friends and family (yes, family) on myspace. Frankly, it’s a bit nerve racking. Ever fear that a family member wouldn’t add you to their friend’s list?

- Reading dozens of articles via Google Reader - Google’s best invention since the origin of their search engine.

- Getting my ass handed to me at the Funny Farm.

- Adding a variety of Victoria’s Secret’s 2007 swim suits to my wishlist.

- Make many sad attempts to perfect my score on The 50 States game. It’s not that I don’t know where the states go, it’s that I always place at least two of them a handful of miles away from where they should be.

- Browsing Google Images for paint scheme ideas for my motorbike. If you have any ideas, feel free to lay ‘em out.

The worst about being in love and it not being reciprocal

Been feeling incredibly scared and jumpy the past couple of days. It seems like at any moment Phil is just going to say, “Hey, I’m done with you” and that’ll be it. Every time I speak to him, I’m on pins and needles, trying to watch what I say. His patience is so thin (with everything) and I know I always catch the brunt of him being frustrated and stressed.

I don’t discount the fact that I’m part of what wears on him. If there’s something I need to pull my head out of my ass about, then I’m willing to do that. I’m not against correcting my own behavior.

Most of my feelings recently have been so mixed and torn. On one hand, I could leave him to his own devices and remove myself from his life. It seems like it would make his world much simpler. Every time I try to look at myself through his eyes, I just see me being a burden.

But on the flip side, I’m hopelessly, stupid in love with him. Have been since I met him and have continued to be through the past two someodd years. I don’t foresee myself finding anyone that I would rather be with. No one that I respect and care for as much; no one I can envision myself marrying. It’s a lonely view from this position. Something I imagine I’ll regret.

 

So, it seems to me that it’s best (for me) to continue pressing on, sticking around, working on my ‘family.’ If it’s what’s best for him … I don’t know.

Feeling foolish

I’ve been told for the past two years and some change that I need to lay down some roots, not disappear, and to stick around some place for a while.

I’ve listened and followed, only to find that it just makes the pain much more intense.